Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder