“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
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my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂