*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
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You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.