Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
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*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.