If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
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If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
These 3D printers are insane!
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed