99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
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I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Yup
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.