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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
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[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Lmao
The photographer’s assistant
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body