Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
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When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
the clam before the storm
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
This makes total sense…
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.