cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
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8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
this isn’t threatening at all
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.