I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
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So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!