Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
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Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count