You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
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Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I know this now 😂
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.