The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
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My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I enjoy a good short stor
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!