There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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the last thing a carrot sees
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I don’t make the rules sorry
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?