ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
You Might Also Like
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My favorite farside!!
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”