iPhone X
You Might Also Like
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Canadian owl: Eh?
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.