I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Erm…
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768