On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
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North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
i choose….tongue
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?