Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
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I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad