ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
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I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Finally