Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
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I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.