Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
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*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
A great tip. #CakeRex
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers