I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
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[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
So true for me
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
God has abandoned us.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?