what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
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me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
#Caturday
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.