According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
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My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Cool shirt 🙂
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!