I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
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People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”