I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
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11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.