Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
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It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I hope they boil the right one.