Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
You Might Also Like
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.