My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
You Might Also Like
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Watson was Holmes schooled
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
It do be feeling this way.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️