[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
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[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that