They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
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Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!