Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
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Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
BaD BoY!!
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
going to the ER y’all need anything
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec