Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
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I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business