“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
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i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.