Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
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I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately