Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
You Might Also Like
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost