Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
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A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
When ur friends with white people
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.