SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
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“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic