Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
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My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.