the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
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My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.