If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
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[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok