Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
You Might Also Like
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
…..pretty much.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.