“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
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HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower