“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
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Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.