Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
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“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
WTF IS THAT!
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.