A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.