As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
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[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
So creative 😂
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment