On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
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Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.