It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
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Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*